Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
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This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
new record!
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?