*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
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Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?