Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
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That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave