My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
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Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!