[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
You Might Also Like
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
She was rare, like a goth jogging
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]