When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
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“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Broom by every window for quick escape.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
same bro
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
March 16
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.