I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
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Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Who says great literature is dead?
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
For anyone who needs this today
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
jesus christ confetti not now
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.