women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
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My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
This one’s “Alex”.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.