Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
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when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.