A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
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*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth