I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
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My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over