Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
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friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.