[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
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ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
🤣✨#caturday
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.