You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
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Otters see a butterfly.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
This kid is a star!
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.