My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
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My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Can. I. Help. You.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Me, reading some of your tweets
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
My whole life was a lie.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?