If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
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Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Me, reading some of your tweets
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”