If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
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If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
this isn’t threatening at all
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅