i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
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great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.