My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
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Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Breaking news:
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*