“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
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I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”