MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
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I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther