I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
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While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Hamburger Hinderer.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.