*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
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Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now