Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
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I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.