Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
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*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
where’s Godzilla when we need him
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.