NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
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[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH