I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
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Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
🤣
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”