Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
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If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew