Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.