doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
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But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
“TGIM!” – My liver
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.