Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

Poetry is my passion

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk