Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
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*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.