Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
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“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Why font matters.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God