just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
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Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?