Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
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Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?