I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
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Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower