4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
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SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
You are not alone 💚
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.