They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
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My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
This is me
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees