Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
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Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it