Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
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Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what