Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
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me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.