Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
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I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Friends that check up on you >
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I love you to the refrigerator and back
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?