Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
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Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
When ur friends with white people
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.