Good boy ππ
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I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
me hooking up with my ex
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think sheβs turning left
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage βif youβre happy and you know it clap your handsβ and everyone remained silent. I love London
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughterβs dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: weβve talked about this
Me: *sighs* donβt wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you canβt deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: βHand me my phone so I can check the weather.β
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: itβs a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and itβs comforting to know I wonβt be going to hell alone
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn