If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
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Meeeee too!
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.