Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime