@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
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Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.