The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
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I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Watson was Holmes schooled
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite