Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
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I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭