Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
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*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I mean…but I did
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully